november 10

Sitting on the porch in the North Georgia mountains, trying to write, trying to hear, trying to pray, almost feeling guilty for not. I want to make it happen. Nothing is coming. Finally, after battling the thoughts, I decide to just sit. Just be. And it’s okay.  Just be in the presence of my Lover. No need for words, no need for force. Just relax, sink into the warmth of the blanket and breathe in the cold air that chills the tip of my nose. It’s a clear night, moonlight shining through the bare tree branches, making silhouettes against the twinkling sky full of stars. It’s good to just sit with Him. I don’t have to talk. He doesn’t have to either. But I know He’s there, and He enjoys my presence, too. And that’s enough.

a day long awaited

It’s just an ordinary day, really. I don’t realize how much time has passed, the days, the weeks, the months. It goes so quickly, and yet, some days never seem to end.

This ordinary day turns to extraordinary.  Nothing “happened.” There was nothing eventful, actually.

Then I realize:

It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Hold on….wait….what?

Yeah, that’s right. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

I look into those once broken places and realize they are whole. I take a second look.

Yep, they’re still whole.

Pictures don’t bring tears, words don’t sting, and the memories are just memories.

Oh.... shoot. The memories. They are there, though. Reality is, I can’t forget.

It’s alright. Many of them are fading. Blurry. I realize that they don’t affect me anymore. They do not define me. But they have shaped me. Molded me. Made me.

I search once more for the sadness that once loomed over and filled in the little cracks and spaces in my fragile heart. I cross my fingers, hold my breath, expecting it, in some form, to poke it’s head through the hole in which it has resided for quite some time.

Just wait for it.

......nothing.

Still nothing.

Could it really be?! When did this happen?! How?!

My child, it happened through the quiet moments, when it seemed as if I wasn’t there, but you chose to trust Me. It happened through the tears when you chose to surrender. It happened through the laughter, the letting go, the accepting, saying “yes” to Me. It couldn’t happen in a day, a month, or even a year. I wanted to take time in pursuing you, precious one. I wanted to woo you, romance you, and I wanted you to choose Me. Oh, the times I wanted to take the pain away, to show you it wouldn’t last forever. But I wanted you to want Me. To WANT Me. To want ME.  To NEED ME. It was happening, little by little, everyday. Through the monotony and adventure. Through the busy and the boring. Through your attentiveness and unawareness. It happened when you gave Me your heart, every part, and let Me write your story. I promised you this day would come. And I know you didn’t believe Me. I’ve been waiting for it. Waiting for the perfect time. Oh my beloved, I know you have, too. The time is here. The time is now. Rejoice, my loved one. Rejoice.

Healing. Restoration. Redemption. Freedom.

The Lord really is in the business of these things. It’s who He is. It brings a smile to His face.

october 20

I’ve lived 23 years of life, my whole life thus far, with all four of my grandparents. They’ve always been around. It is my “normal.” This is all I know. I guess I always knew there would come a time when my normal would change. Not only mine, but the rest of the family’s as well.

What a full, long life my Pop Pop lived. As the oldest grandchild, I guess I would remember the most about him. Pictures help corral the memories. He always did build the best fire. He kept that thing burning like no one else could. It was nothing less than perfection. I see him standing in the kitchen, whipping up his famous pound cakes, preparing ambrosia especially for Mamma, and cutting the turkey with the electric knife on the old wooden chopping block. I picture him standing over the fryer in the “playroom” frying chicken for a family meal. You couldn’t leave the house those nights without smelling like grease. I recall his car and desk full of clutter and stacks of papers and yellow note pads. I see where my daddy gets it. I hear his voice, so clearly, telling me, “’Atta girl!” A signature part of my Pop Pop was his “dog bite.” He had a little bump right above his lip where a dog had bitten him when he was young, and we would always have to ask him about it. He was the best wrapper of Christmas gifts. Man, did he love some tape. We could always tell which gifts he wrapped. I can’t ever wrap a present without thinking of him. I remember pulling in their driveway and seeing him on top of the roof putting out the big wooden red sleigh and reindeer. We thought that was the greatest thing ever.

Pop Pop loved for the whole family to be together. It didn’t even matter what we were doing. When I got the call just over a week ago, I knew I had to come. My family is everything to me. This whole week, as hard as it’s been, has been a blessing. All seven grandchildren have been able to be here. We all piled into the room at Hospice, around Pop Pop’s bed, rotating in and out holding his hands. The first couple of days he could still talk, but it was very limited. But you better believe that when we looked at him and told him we loved him, as hard as it was for him to get out, he would answer back, “I love you too, sweetheart.” That’s the Pop Pop I know. Gosh, he loved us. We literally camped out in that room for a week. There was a day later in the week where he had not opened his eyes in quite some time. My cousin and I started singing, and then more of the family came to his bedside and joined us. His eyes suddenly opened and he was looking around at all of us. Was he seeing angels?! He closed his eyes again and relaxed a little more, and that was the first time we told him that it was okay to let go. If he saw Jesus, it was okay to go with Him. We are going to take care of Ma B. We are all going to be fine. We knew that he could hear us, even though he couldn’t always speak. He would often give us little signals to let us know he could hear. Friday night we spent the night filling his room with songs and hymns. We didn’t know it for certain, but I think we all had a feeling that we were saying our last goodbye. I wish I could describe it to you, but I can’t. Words can’t reiterate what was experienced in that room. Maybe some things are just meant to be left in your memory and are just too precious to share. But believe me when I say it was powerful. It was hard. It was tender. It was special. We were only home a few hours when we got the call to return to Hospice. His three children were right there, holding his hands when Jesus took him home. Ma B was with us, because we knew that she needed rest, and that is what Pop Pop would have wanted. So there we were, at 3:30 am, looking at my sweet grandfather, as peaceful as ever. I was overcome, through all the tears, with a rush of joy, and I had to declare that at that very moment, HE IS WITH JESUS!! He is home!! He is doing what we can only imagine doing. He is looking at Jesus face to face! Woah, Heaven became closer to me at that moment.

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life so far. All the days are running together and we are exhausted. But the Lord’s hand has been on it all. I would not trade this time for the world. The Lord allowed us time to grasp the reality that Pop Pop will no longer be with us here on this earth. It really was a gift. And we will see him one day soon. Very soon.

As I’m lying here on the bed in this cozy, packed, love-filled house, I am thankful. I am blessed. I am proud to be a part of this family.

Nostalgia Overload

Over the past few weeks, I have been sifting through many different emotions, thoughts, and revelations. Honestly, it’s been a bit overwhelming. A few weeks ago I took part in one of my best friend’s wedding. We have been friends since birth. The whole weekend was very bittersweet, bringing on many mixed emotions for me. It was more surreal, I guess. It had been a while since we had all of our high school friends all back together again in the same place where we did life together, making life long memories. As contradictory as it may seem, the weekend was so fun that it almost brought about a sense of sadness for me. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks- the start of my freshman year of high school was eight years ago. 

Eight. Years. 

I remember a specific moment on my brother’s third birthday when I was feeling so depressed because I hated high school, didn’t like the change, and never thought I would ever get through the year. I remember my mamma telling me, “You can do it. We will look forward to each weekend when you can relax and have fun.” That was 8 years ago. I was 15. And now I am 23. Not only are my high school years gone, but also, somehow, I am at the age where my high school class is graduating from college. That blows my mind even more. The details, the feelings, the conversations are all there like it was yesterday. I came to a strong realization that I really miss those friends. Life looks different now. And it’s supposed to. People are getting married, having babies, starting careers. The wedding weekend ushered in floods of memories—so many of them wonderful, some of them dismal. It was like we were 16 again, all friends, all together, before loss was added to the picture. Things have changed. It IS different. Parts of the pictures that once were aren’t there for me anymore. It’s hard for me to let go. It’s a process, and I have realized that there are still little threads that I have to release, once again. We have all experienced a little more life, we’ve grown, we’ve changed, but over all, we are still the same. And all of the bitter memories are overshadowed by the sweet.

I never thought I would miss high school so much. Something that the Lord is teaching me in this season is to make the most of every moment. I don’t want to spend my life wishing it away. I’ll admit, I focused a lot on the negative. I hated school, so I focused on that. I never thought I would get through. And now, eight years later, I don’t see so much of the “bad” anymore, but miss the “good.” I miss the monotonous volleyball practices, the jeep rides, the days and nights spent out on the dock, and trying to fill up every minute before our 11:00 curfew. I don’t want to wish this season away, because four years from now, I’m going to look back and wish I had it again. Although I miss my teenage years, in reality I wouldn’t want to be back there. It wouldn’t be the same. And I’m glad for where I am now. It’s right where I am meant to be. All of this to say that these realizations have opened my eyes to see that I want to embrace the moments in front of me. Embrace people. Embrace both the smiles and the tears. Yeah, there are years worth of memories and pictures that bring about heartache, and I can’t ever forget them, but even they are starting to become less and less painful. I can’t try to block them out, because at one time they brought me so much happiness. The bad times hurt. And they were real. But the good times were really, really good.  I’m glad I can look back, laugh, and say that I am very blessed.

For those of you reading this, I really miss you. Truly. Thank you for being who you are—each one of you. I am so glad for the uniqueness and differences in each and every person. That’s what makes friendships beautiful. Y’all have all added a piece of tile to the mosaic of my life that can’t ever be replaced by anyone else. I treasure that. I treasure the moments that I have had with you. I look forward to the times when we are together again. 

Joy and Thanksgiving

It’s sad to think that I lived many years of my life on the pessimistic edge. It’s very easy for me, as it is for many of us, to let my circumstances dictate my inner condition. Over the past couple of months, the topics of joy and thankfulness keep surfacing in many different forms. I believe my Lord wants to show me a thing or two.

It’s easy to let my situations get the best of me. When my physical condition and health are not improving and I see no breakthrough, I am discouraged. When someone wrongs me, and I feel rejected it’s easy to get angry and depressed. It’s easy to lose hope thinking that everything good is distant and not available to me. But reality is, ALL that is good, trustworthy, and whole is right in front of me. The Maker of the universe takes up residence in me!  He was rejected so that I wouldn’t have to be. 

He is working all things for good- all is well.

It’s hard to see if we are zoned in on what the world says about our circumstance. We must have eyes to see and ears to hear! I have been reading the book One Thousand Gifts where Ann Voscamp states, “But the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is.” It’s hard to see God in my family’s health conditions. It’s difficult to recognize Him in relationships that have caused so much pain. Where is He in the job that you hate? I am discovering that living a life full of thanksgiving, even in the smallest things, is a beautiful, if not the best form of worship to the Lord. It brings everything back into perspective. Whispering a simple, “I trust You” brings my mind and thoughts back into alignment with His. He is in EVERYTHING.

My job is not “my thing.” I never look forward to going, but I know He has placed me there. I know He wants me to keep persevering, even when I can’t see any fruit.  Although I may be unhappy, I can possess joy because I can rest in the fact that something good is coming of it. Old things are being chipped away, I’m being put through the fire, and my character is being built. Ann Voscamp also states, “Only self can kill joy….The demanding of my own will is the singular force that smothers out joy –nothing else.” I must agree with her. I can ALWAYS find a reason to be thankful. To choose joy- it is not an easy task, because our human emotions well up and want to smother out our deep inner knowing that God is in control. Hope seemingly lost in relationships is really not lost hope at all, but an opportunity for Him to show me that He has someone picked out for me who will surpass all my wildest dreams. His plans are to prosper and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. I must condition my mind to continually put on the fact of God instead of picking up the lie of the enemy.

Each day truly is a gift. There is no wasted time with our Lord. Today is not a “filler” day. He is in every moment, every detail, orchestrating everything to show me that He loves me. Even the trials are blessings.

One last quote from Voscamp:

"True saints know that the place where all the joy comes from is far deeper than that of feelings; joy comes from the place of the very presence of God. Joy is God and God is joy and joy doesn’t negate all other emotions –joy transcends all other emotions. Though my marriage tree may not bud and though my crop of children may fail and my work produce little yield, though there is no money in the bank and no dream left in the heart, though others may choose different ways to live their one life, till my last heaving breath, I will fight to the death for this: “I will take joy” (Habakkuk 3:18 ESV)."

I will take joy.

Satisfaction

The fulfillment of one’s wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this= satisfaction.

The season of life I’m in right now is one of transition. It’s a bit awkward. It’s a period of waiting on the Lord for a lot of different things. I am not totally sure what is next. I have thoughts, dreams, ideas, but nothing is certain. There isn’t confirmation yet. I love Birmingham. There are so many perks about my job. My roommates are incredible. The fellowship that I get to be a part of day to day is abundantly rich. Life truly is good, and yet, it’s one of the hardest seasons in my life, thus far. I’ve had trouble pin pointing the reasons, because it doesn’t make sense for these feelings of depression and sorrow to be creeping in. Why is there anxiety and a sense of unrest and uneasiness when there doesn’t seem to be a source? Is it the fact that I don’t know what is next? Is it the fact that my job is stressful, and I really don’t enjoy it at all? Would I really feel differently if my circumstances were something other than what they are? I don’t know the answers to these questions. 

One question I keep asking the Lord is, “What do you want to be for me in this situation/season that you can’t be for me any other time?” This is what I keep hearing: Satisfaction. Jesus Christ wants to be my satisfaction, contentment, and my confidence. I know, in my head, that He is the ONLY thing/person that can satisfy me. That is truth. But I so desire for this to be my experience and my reality. I yearn to know the Lord as satisfaction. 

This God/Person that I call “Lord of my life” wants to be Lord over every detail. I must allow Him to reign not only in the areas of my comfort, but also my discomfort. I cannot say that He is my Everything unless I allow Him to embed Himself in the places where it’s hard for me to dwell. He not only wants to be Lord in the classroom at LEGACY or at JH Ranch where truth is being fed to me, but He wants to be Lord in the restaurant where I have to choose Him.  He wants to reign in my singleness so that He can later reign in my married life. 

I am realizing that as of lately, I’m not very good at staying in one place for very long, at least in my mind. It scares me, in a way and for whatever reason, to think of being stuck somewhere for too long if I have the desire to “pick up and go.” I love to travel. I love spontaneity and adventure. There are so many ideas in my head about where I could go next, what I could do. I’m having a hard time being still, and really being in the “now.” I am coming to the realization more and more that a new place or environment and new adventure (which can all be great things) might be exhilarating for a little while, but ultimately, they will not make me content. I will only want to keep looking to the next thing. I do NOT want to live like that- always looking to the next thing only to miss what is right in front of me. 

My job, stressful or not, is not what is going to make me satisfied. Moving to a new city is not going to fill me up. Having a man who adores me and will love me forever will not fix empty feelings inside me. It HAS to be the Lord. He wants to go deep, and that often involves pain, suffering, and discomfort. Through all of it, I can rest assured that something new and of gold, in some way, is being birthed. 

Survival vs. Living

I am FREE. Some days I “feel it” more than others, but truth is, I am. Jesus Christ is freedom, freedom is Jesus Christ, and He is alive in me, therefore I AM FREE. This as been true for most of my life, but I haven’t always walked in it. It wasn’t until recently (the past 2 years) that it has become my experience. For so long, I feel like I was just existing—surviving. I wasn’t aware of it, though, until I began to experience truly living. I liked having my life planned out, the one that consisted of playing Ultimate, Georgia Southern, and getting married (so I thought).  I liked life in my comfort zone, where it was safe. But I didn’t know any different. Even though I had already been set free from much fear, I didn’t know I was still very much afraid. I didn’t realize I was so insecure.

 I didn’t know who I was.

My life getting turned upside down was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Being pulled away from the school where I was comfortable and the sport that I loved were needed.  Getting torn away from the person I loved and the relationship that I tried so hard to hold onto was my life saver.  Did it hurt? Yes. Did I shed gallons of tears? Of course. Did I try to fight it? Absolutely. Did it all make sense at the time? No, I felt like a lost, hopeless wreck. Could it all have gone just the way that I thought I wanted it to and I have been happy? I believe so.

But it wouldn’t have been the BEST.

I had to let go of the good, to grab hold of the great. I had to release the comfortable to experience adventure. I had to be emptied of me to be filled with Him.

I had to let go of getting by—surviving—to understand living.

Saying that the Lord has freed me from fear is actually a broad statement. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. The fearful little girl who used to stand in my shoes isn’t there anymore. It is so beautiful, encouraging, and exciting to see as time goes on how the Lord has delivered me. Many times it takes me by surprise. My recent skydive just confirmed it even more. The girl who used to take 30 minutes to jump off a 15 foot diving board jumped out of a plane a few weeks ago WITHOUT A SINGLE OUNCE OF FEAR—just pure excitement and awe for my Lord. The girl who used to literally be gripped by darkness and fear of everything, even lightening, now loves the way it lights up the night sky.

He’s freed me from unhealthy perfectionism and fear of failure. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school that I could actually enjoy the sport I was playing. I could finally eat on game days. I was always too hard on myself, terrified of making mistakes. I can now go into an interview without feeling sick to my stomach, because I finally let go of control. Those are just some examples.

The girl I used to know would never move somewhere with all her belongings without knowing where she was going to live. But that is exactly what I did 2 years ago. The old me wouldn’t move to a different state for any other reason except the knowing that the Lord was leading me there. Once again, that’s what I did in January. I didn’t even have a job. My life these days seems to be “last minute.” It’s awesome, though, because to us it might seem that way, but my Lord isn’t last minute. He isn’t limited or defined by time. It’s always perfect. I’m just thankful that I can now enjoy the excitement and thrill of it all.

I’ve been set free from a lot of deep insecurities- things that I could never truly grasp in a relationship with a guy. My identity was being defined by things that it shouldn’t have. I let it eat me alive. I believed lies and often got stuck in a pit of despair. I praise Jesus that He turned it around—that I know I’m beautiful, talented, creative, and perfect. I’m worth it. I’m worth fighting for and being pursued. I know Who I belong to. The Lover of My Soul knew it needed to be just me and Him in order for me to understand.

It wasn’t until this past April that I finally felt a new sense of freedom from my past. There were a lot of things I was holding onto without realizing it. Although my relationship with the one I thought I was going to marry had officially ended over two years earlier, it had still been dragged on. Even though all of my questions were not answered on that Resurrection Day weekend, and I was feeling a flood of mixed emotions, I sensed that it was the beginning of a new-found freedom. It was like the Lord allowed me to see things as they really were, to hear the things that I needed to, and to let go of trying to get answers to things I was never going to be able to understand. Although the three hour drive back to Birmingham was accompanied by tons of tears and closure to a huge chapter in my life, it felt good to release it. It brought hope. People thought I was crazy for facing something that might be painful, something, or rather someone, who I had not faced in over a year. Honestly, I thought I might be crazy, also. But Jesus knew. He always does. He knew exactly the conversation that needed to happen to show me that something I had wanted for so long was not meant to be.

And finally, through the tears of realization and acceptance, after many years, I could see it, too.

We aren’t always going to agree with others, situations are going to be out of our control, and we are going to have to leave some things unsaid because it just isn’t our place to say them anymore. But when you can look at what was once your dream, in the eyes, and walk away without all the answers because you know there is something better for you, you know the Lord has done a work in you. The release of something once so important brings new freedom and a deeper level of trust in Him. It’s been a long, long journey- an exhausting process. But something is different now. In a good way. I don’t believe it was coincidence at all that this monumental day was also Resurrection Day. He makes all things new! He redeems the time. When one door closes, something new, greater, and beautiful is always birthed. I am beyond excited for what He has in His plans for me. 

For most of my life, I have been afraid of death. I accepted Christ early, so I knew I would spend forever with Him, but I was afraid of dying. I didn’t like talking about His return. Honestly, I don’t know why. I wanted to experience all that life has to offer, and I didn’t want to miss out. It wasn’t until I truly fell in love with Jesus and realized that this life is not about me that I could finally say that I’m not afraid of death anymore. The truth is, JESUS IS LIFE. How incredible is it that when we know the Lord, we will never experience true death!! That is such good news. Obviously, I’m not ready for my time on Earth to end. I DO want to experience all that the Lord has for me here, but it’s not what I live for. He knows my number of days. If I meet Him face to face tomorrow, HALLELUJAH! If I meet Him in 70 years, HALLELUJAH! Either way, I can now say, “Come, Lord Jesus!” and actually be excited about it. This earth is not my home.

The deeper my fellowship with the Lord, the more I feel like I step into who I really am. I’m not tied down to a place or a person, so I am discovering more and more of how my God has wired me, my gifts, my likes, dislikes, and dreams. I actually have a dream list now, where as before, I didn’t know I could dream. I didn’t really know how. I used to be so cautious, almost too cautious, to the point where I wasn’t having fun, taking chances and risks. I wasn’t spontaneous. I needed a logical plan. This wasn’t all bad, in and of itself, but I believe that these things were in me all along, but had been suppressed for so many years. I love spontaneity. I like being able to pick up and go. I love this wild and crazy ride I’ve been on the past few years. It still feels like a dream. The best dream ever. One of my best friends who I’ve only known for a little over a year asked me, “Have you always had this free spirit way about you?” My reply was, ”No, but I think it’s been there all along just dying to come out.” It’s just taken a while to be revealed. But I think this is “me.”  Those who have known me my whole life know that I have come a long way. Thanks be to Jesus.

Over the past 8 months or so there have been several weddings that I have attended. I love weddings. And I love the receptions, the ones with hours of dancing and a ton of good friends. It hasn’t always been that way, though. I used to refuse to dance. It made me nervous. I can barely remember dancing with my boyfriend of four years, I guess because I was self-conscious, insecure, etc. A few months ago, after thinking on this, I recalled my nickname that my family gave me when I was a little girl. They called me Happy Feet. I would prance and dance around on my toes, full of joy, thus the nickname. For many years, I didn’t feel like I lived up to that name. I’ve never thought of myself as a good dancer, so therefore I wouldn’t dance. Finally I came to the conclusion: WHO CARES. Who cares what people think and who cares if you don’t know what you are doing. I can’t let that stop me anymore. I have fun. That’s all that matters. There have been a couple of wedding receptions that will forever go down in the books—some of the best nights of my life, literally, dancing my heart out without a care in the world. Sharing the experience with others who feel the same way makes it that much better. So, I finally feel like I am stepping back into the name that was given to me long ago. I feel like I’ve gotten my “happy feet” back.

“…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Life is Jesus. Jesus is Life. He’s in the big things, and He cares about the small details, too. He’s given me permission to dream. He’s given you permission, also. He loves to give me the desires of my heart, because they are His, too. I'm not going to be on this earth forever. But I am here now. Therefore, I have purpose, and meaning, and I want to embrace it all. Yeah, this world is a mess, full of heartache and darkness and sorrow. But Jesus Christ is still on the throne, and He reigns, and that’s a reason to rejoice. I’m going to keep laughing, a lot, and at myself, because I can now and I believe it's healthy. I’m going to travel, because I love it, and I want to see this diverse world that the Lord has made in all its beauty. I’m going to treasure the late night talks in my apartment with my roommates, dreaming and pondering and processing. I’m going to ride the roller coasters ten times in a row with my 9 year old brother even when my head hurts, just because he loves it, and I’m going to scream and laugh my lungs out. I want to soak up every story from my grandparents’ mouths because they are priceless gems.  I want to love and love well, even though it’s risky. Life is beautiful when lived with the Creator.

I will end this novel of a post with a quote I love:

“It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and to be brave, and to want, to need, to hunger for adventures—to embrace change and chance and risk so that we may breathe and know what it is to be free.”