Satisfaction

The fulfillment of one’s wishes, expectations, or needs, or the pleasure derived from this= satisfaction.

The season of life I’m in right now is one of transition. It’s a bit awkward. It’s a period of waiting on the Lord for a lot of different things. I am not totally sure what is next. I have thoughts, dreams, ideas, but nothing is certain. There isn’t confirmation yet. I love Birmingham. There are so many perks about my job. My roommates are incredible. The fellowship that I get to be a part of day to day is abundantly rich. Life truly is good, and yet, it’s one of the hardest seasons in my life, thus far. I’ve had trouble pin pointing the reasons, because it doesn’t make sense for these feelings of depression and sorrow to be creeping in. Why is there anxiety and a sense of unrest and uneasiness when there doesn’t seem to be a source? Is it the fact that I don’t know what is next? Is it the fact that my job is stressful, and I really don’t enjoy it at all? Would I really feel differently if my circumstances were something other than what they are? I don’t know the answers to these questions. 

One question I keep asking the Lord is, “What do you want to be for me in this situation/season that you can’t be for me any other time?” This is what I keep hearing: Satisfaction. Jesus Christ wants to be my satisfaction, contentment, and my confidence. I know, in my head, that He is the ONLY thing/person that can satisfy me. That is truth. But I so desire for this to be my experience and my reality. I yearn to know the Lord as satisfaction. 

This God/Person that I call “Lord of my life” wants to be Lord over every detail. I must allow Him to reign not only in the areas of my comfort, but also my discomfort. I cannot say that He is my Everything unless I allow Him to embed Himself in the places where it’s hard for me to dwell. He not only wants to be Lord in the classroom at LEGACY or at JH Ranch where truth is being fed to me, but He wants to be Lord in the restaurant where I have to choose Him.  He wants to reign in my singleness so that He can later reign in my married life. 

I am realizing that as of lately, I’m not very good at staying in one place for very long, at least in my mind. It scares me, in a way and for whatever reason, to think of being stuck somewhere for too long if I have the desire to “pick up and go.” I love to travel. I love spontaneity and adventure. There are so many ideas in my head about where I could go next, what I could do. I’m having a hard time being still, and really being in the “now.” I am coming to the realization more and more that a new place or environment and new adventure (which can all be great things) might be exhilarating for a little while, but ultimately, they will not make me content. I will only want to keep looking to the next thing. I do NOT want to live like that- always looking to the next thing only to miss what is right in front of me. 

My job, stressful or not, is not what is going to make me satisfied. Moving to a new city is not going to fill me up. Having a man who adores me and will love me forever will not fix empty feelings inside me. It HAS to be the Lord. He wants to go deep, and that often involves pain, suffering, and discomfort. Through all of it, I can rest assured that something new and of gold, in some way, is being birthed.