Nostalgia Overload

Over the past few weeks, I have been sifting through many different emotions, thoughts, and revelations. Honestly, it’s been a bit overwhelming. A few weeks ago I took part in one of my best friend’s wedding. We have been friends since birth. The whole weekend was very bittersweet, bringing on many mixed emotions for me. It was more surreal, I guess. It had been a while since we had all of our high school friends all back together again in the same place where we did life together, making life long memories. As contradictory as it may seem, the weekend was so fun that it almost brought about a sense of sadness for me. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks- the start of my freshman year of high school was eight years ago. 

Eight. Years. 

I remember a specific moment on my brother’s third birthday when I was feeling so depressed because I hated high school, didn’t like the change, and never thought I would ever get through the year. I remember my mamma telling me, “You can do it. We will look forward to each weekend when you can relax and have fun.” That was 8 years ago. I was 15. And now I am 23. Not only are my high school years gone, but also, somehow, I am at the age where my high school class is graduating from college. That blows my mind even more. The details, the feelings, the conversations are all there like it was yesterday. I came to a strong realization that I really miss those friends. Life looks different now. And it’s supposed to. People are getting married, having babies, starting careers. The wedding weekend ushered in floods of memories—so many of them wonderful, some of them dismal. It was like we were 16 again, all friends, all together, before loss was added to the picture. Things have changed. It IS different. Parts of the pictures that once were aren’t there for me anymore. It’s hard for me to let go. It’s a process, and I have realized that there are still little threads that I have to release, once again. We have all experienced a little more life, we’ve grown, we’ve changed, but over all, we are still the same. And all of the bitter memories are overshadowed by the sweet.

I never thought I would miss high school so much. Something that the Lord is teaching me in this season is to make the most of every moment. I don’t want to spend my life wishing it away. I’ll admit, I focused a lot on the negative. I hated school, so I focused on that. I never thought I would get through. And now, eight years later, I don’t see so much of the “bad” anymore, but miss the “good.” I miss the monotonous volleyball practices, the jeep rides, the days and nights spent out on the dock, and trying to fill up every minute before our 11:00 curfew. I don’t want to wish this season away, because four years from now, I’m going to look back and wish I had it again. Although I miss my teenage years, in reality I wouldn’t want to be back there. It wouldn’t be the same. And I’m glad for where I am now. It’s right where I am meant to be. All of this to say that these realizations have opened my eyes to see that I want to embrace the moments in front of me. Embrace people. Embrace both the smiles and the tears. Yeah, there are years worth of memories and pictures that bring about heartache, and I can’t ever forget them, but even they are starting to become less and less painful. I can’t try to block them out, because at one time they brought me so much happiness. The bad times hurt. And they were real. But the good times were really, really good.  I’m glad I can look back, laugh, and say that I am very blessed.

For those of you reading this, I really miss you. Truly. Thank you for being who you are—each one of you. I am so glad for the uniqueness and differences in each and every person. That’s what makes friendships beautiful. Y’all have all added a piece of tile to the mosaic of my life that can’t ever be replaced by anyone else. I treasure that. I treasure the moments that I have had with you. I look forward to the times when we are together again.