Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Survival vs. Living


I am FREE. Some days I “feel it” more than others, but truth is, I am. Jesus Christ is freedom, freedom is Jesus Christ, and He is alive in me, therefore I AM FREE. This as been true for most of my life, but I haven’t always walked in it. It wasn’t until recently (the past 2 years) that it has become my experience. For so long, I feel like I was just existing—surviving. I wasn’t aware of it, though, until I began to experience truly living. I liked having my life planned out, the one that consisted of playing Ultimate, Georgia Southern, and getting married (so I thought).  I liked life in my comfort zone, where it was safe. But I didn’t know any different. Even though I had already been set free from much fear, I didn’t know I was still very much afraid. I didn’t realize I was so insecure.

 I didn’t know who I was.

My life getting turned upside down was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Being pulled away from the school where I was comfortable and the sport that I loved were needed.  Getting torn away from the person I loved and the relationship that I tried so hard to hold onto was my life saver.  Did it hurt? Yes. Did I shed gallons of tears? Of course. Did I try to fight it? Absolutely. Did it all make sense at the time? No, I felt like a lost, hopeless wreck. Could it all have gone just the way that I thought I wanted it to and I have been happy? I believe so.

But it wouldn’t have been the BEST.

I had to let go of the good, to grab hold of the great. I had to release the comfortable to experience adventure. I had to be emptied of me to be filled with Him.
I had to let go of getting by—surviving—to understand living.

Saying that the Lord has freed me from fear is actually a broad statement. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. The fearful little girl who used to stand in my shoes isn’t there anymore. It is so beautiful, encouraging, and exciting to see as time goes on how the Lord has delivered me. Many times it takes me by surprise. My recent skydive just confirmed it even more. The girl who used to take 30 minutes to jump off a 15 foot diving board jumped out of a plane a few weeks ago WITHOUT A SINGLE OUNCE OF FEAR—just pure excitement and awe for my Lord. The girl who used to literally be gripped by darkness and fear of everything, even lightening, now loves the way it lights up the night sky.

He’s freed me from unhealthy perfectionism and fear of failure. It wasn’t until my senior year in high school that I could actually enjoy the sport I was playing. I could finally eat on game days. I was always too hard on myself, terrified of making mistakes. I can now go into an interview without feeling sick to my stomach, because I finally let go of control. Those are just some examples.

The girl I used to know would never move somewhere with all her belongings without knowing where she was going to live. But that is exactly what I did 2 years ago. The old me wouldn’t move to a different state for any other reason except the knowing that the Lord was leading me there. Once again, that’s what I did in January. I didn’t even have a job. My life these days seems to be “last minute.” It’s awesome, though, because to us it might seem that way, but my Lord isn’t last minute. He isn’t limited or defined by time. It’s always perfect. I’m just thankful that I can now enjoy the excitement and thrill of it all.

I’ve been set free from a lot of deep insecurities- things that I could never truly grasp in a relationship with a guy. My identity was being defined by things that it shouldn’t have. I let it eat me alive. I believed lies and often got stuck in a pit of despair. I praise Jesus that He turned it around—that I know I’m beautiful, talented, creative, and perfect. I’m worth it. I’m worth fighting for and being pursued. I know Who I belong to. The Lover of My Soul knew it needed to be just me and Him in order for me to understand.

It wasn’t until this past April that I finally felt a new sense of freedom from my past. There were a lot of things I was holding onto without realizing it. Although my relationship with the one I thought I was going to marry had officially ended over two years earlier, it had still been dragged on. Even though all of my questions were not answered on that Resurrection Day weekend, and I was feeling a flood of mixed emotions, I sensed that it was the beginning of a new-found freedom. It was like the Lord allowed me to see things as they really were, to hear the things that I needed to, and to let go of trying to get answers to things I was never going to be able to understand. Although the three hour drive back to Birmingham was accompanied by tons of tears and closure to a huge chapter in my life, it felt good to release it. It brought hope. People thought I was crazy for facing something that might be painful, something, or rather someone, who I had not faced in over a year. Honestly, I thought I might be crazy, also. But Jesus knew. He always does. He knew exactly the conversation that needed to happen to show me that something I had wanted for so long was not meant to be.

And finally, through the tears of realization and acceptance, after many years, I could see it, too.

We aren’t always going to agree with others, situations are going to be out of our control, and we are going to have to leave some things unsaid because it just isn’t our place to say them anymore. But when you can look at what was once your dream, in the eyes, and walk away without all the answers because you know there is something better for you, you know the Lord has done a work in you. The release of something once so important brings new freedom and a deeper level of trust in Him. It’s been a long, long journey- an exhausting process. But something is different now. In a good way. I don’t believe it was coincidence at all that this monumental day was also Resurrection Day. He makes all things new! He redeems the time. When one door closes, something new, greater, and beautiful is always birthed. I am beyond excited for what He has in His plans for me. 

For most of my life, I have been afraid of death. I accepted Christ early, so I knew I would spend forever with Him, but I was afraid of dying. I didn’t like talking about His return. Honestly, I don’t know why. I wanted to experience all that life has to offer, and I didn’t want to miss out. It wasn’t until I truly fell in love with Jesus and realized that this life is not about me that I could finally say that I’m not afraid of death anymore. The truth is, JESUS IS LIFE. How incredible is it that when we know the Lord, we will never experience true death!! That is such good news. Obviously, I’m not ready for my time on Earth to end. I DO want to experience all that the Lord has for me here, but it’s not what I live for. He knows my number of days. If I meet Him face to face tomorrow, HALLELUJAH! If I meet Him in 70 years, HALLELUJAH! Either way, I can now say, “Come, Lord Jesus!” and actually be excited about it. This earth is not my home.

The deeper my fellowship with the Lord, the more I feel like I step into who I really am. I’m not tied down to a place or a person, so I am discovering more and more of how my God has wired me, my gifts, my likes, dislikes, and dreams. I actually have a dream list now, where as before, I didn’t know I could dream. I didn’t really know how. I used to be so cautious, almost too cautious, to the point where I wasn’t having fun, taking chances and risks. I wasn’t spontaneous. I needed a logical plan. This wasn’t all bad, in and of itself, but I believe that these things were in me all along, but had been suppressed for so many years. I love spontaneity. I like being able to pick up and go. I love this wild and crazy ride I’ve been on the past few years. It still feels like a dream. The best dream ever. One of my best friends who I’ve only known for a little over a year asked me, “Have you always had this free spirit way about you?” My reply was, ”No, but I think it’s been there all along just dying to come out.” It’s just taken a while to be revealed. But I think this is “me.”  Those who have known me my whole life know that I have come a long way. Thanks be to Jesus.

Over the past 8 months or so there have been several weddings that I have attended. I love weddings. And I love the receptions, the ones with hours of dancing and a ton of good friends. It hasn’t always been that way, though. I used to refuse to dance. It made me nervous. I can barely remember dancing with my boyfriend of four years, I guess because I was self-conscious, insecure, etc. A few months ago, after thinking on this, I recalled my nickname that my family gave me when I was a little girl. They called me Happy Feet. I would prance and dance around on my toes, full of joy, thus the nickname. For many years, I didn’t feel like I lived up to that name. I’ve never thought of myself as a good dancer, so therefore I wouldn’t dance. Finally I came to the conclusion: WHO CARES. Who cares what people think and who cares if you don’t know what you are doing. I can’t let that stop me anymore. I have fun. That’s all that matters. There have been a couple of wedding receptions that will forever go down in the books—some of the best nights of my life, literally, dancing my heart out without a care in the world. Sharing the experience with others who feel the same way makes it that much better. So, I finally feel like I am stepping back into the name that was given to me long ago. I feel like I’ve gotten my “happy feet” back.

“…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Life is Jesus. Jesus is Life. He’s in the big things, and He cares about the small details, too. He’s given me permission to dream. He’s given you permission, also. He loves to give me the desires of my heart, because they are His, too. I'm not going to be on this earth forever. But I am here now. Therefore, I have purpose, and meaning, and I want to embrace it all. Yeah, this world is a mess, full of heartache and darkness and sorrow. But Jesus Christ is still on the throne, and He reigns, and that’s a reason to rejoice. I’m going to keep laughing, a lot, and at myself, because I can now and I believe it's healthy. I’m going to travel, because I love it, and I want to see this diverse world that the Lord has made in all its beauty. I’m going to treasure the late night talks in my apartment with my roommates, dreaming and pondering and processing. I’m going to ride the roller coasters ten times in a row with my 9 year old brother even when my head hurts, just because he loves it, and I’m going to scream and laugh my lungs out. I want to soak up every story from my grandparents’ mouths because they are priceless gems.  I want to love and love well, even though it’s risky. Life is beautiful when lived with the Creator.

I will end this novel of a post with a quote I love:

“It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and to be brave, and to want, to need, to hunger for adventures—to embrace change and chance and risk so that we may breathe and know what it is to be free.”




3 comments:

  1. So amazing!! Thanks for sharing this! I love how He can take away all fears and insecurities in us that otherwise if we look to the world, they will eat us alive or leave us completely paralyzed!! Keep dancing Happy Feet!! You are beautiful! You are worth it! Jesus loves you!

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  2. Thank you so much, Taylor! You are awesome! I appreciate your comment :)

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  3. This was really long, but I loved all of it, every word of it. It's beautiful. What a process to go through. And it is so cool that on Resurection Day, the Lord allowed you to be resurrected.

    I am so proud of you, so proud of you letting go, losing control of "your life." It's not yours to lose anyway.

    May I remind you of something you said a while back, when you were at legacy, actually right before you had left for legacy:

    "My Maker is incredibly, painfully IN LOVE with me! I know that He holds my world. And He holds my dreams. Every tear, and every laugh. He KNOWS me. I can't wait to become more of the woman He has created me to be. A better version of me. This is what I was made for. It was already written. And now I will begin this God-ordained journey."

    And look at where you are now!

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