I am an artist.

Today is one of those days when I have to write. I have to. I'm realizing more and more that it makes me feel alive and closer to what I've been created to do.

I am an artist.

Even typing those words brought on a little bit of fear. The Lord has been trying to tell me I am an artist for a really long time, but somewhere in the past 20 or so years, I have let fear suppress the creative in me, the artist in me, and for so so long she has been dying to be let out.

I recently stumbled across a picture of myself at the age of 2 or 3 years old. I had a sheet draped over me, paintbrush in hand, sitting in front of an easel. My grandmother and her friend were overlooking in the background. My painting appeared to be a rainbow, full of vibrant color.

I've always heard how I used to sing constantly, even when I was a tiny child. As soon as I could talk, I was singing, and on key, too. I loved singing and music, even then. I played the piano for 6 years and then quit. And I will say that I was good at it.

When I was very young I loved to dance around the house on my tip-toes. My parents always tell me that they called me "Happy Feet." I took dance lessons as a little girl, and I will admit that I was good at that, too. And yes, again, I quit.

It might be hard to imagine at this point in my life, but as a little girl, I was sassy, prissy, stubborn and strong-willed, and if my parents had the camera out, I wanted to be in front of it, my bossy self ordering my little brother to cooperate.

Fear is the greatest enemy of creativity, and I have had a lot of fear in my life.

I've had so many expectations and misconceptions about art and about what it looks like to be a creative. My perfectionism likes to stick around sometimes.

What I love to do, the way I look at people and the world, the way things move me - all of it points to the fact that I am an artist. And I think the Father has been trying to give me hints for a while now.

The thing I have always been so fearful of in school and HATED to do, is write. Being forced to write something over the years just left a bad taste in my mouth. I would freeze up, staring at my paper or computer for what seemed to be hours at times. It's funny, the very thing that I thought I was the worst at, is the very thing the Father is calling me to press into more and more, even when it doesn't look pretty, poetic, or eloquent. I've been believing the lie that I'm not good at it, when in fact, it's just the opposite, and it's the way that I best express myself and my thoughts.

Some days I have no idea what to write about, and He is telling me to write anyway. Other days, and today is one of them, I have about 20 different ideas that are at war with one another trying to be the first one to the tip of the pen.

But today this thought won:

I am an artist. 

And I love to write. 

I needed the world (more like whoever is choosing to read this) to know this. Because it's part of me embracing who the Creator has created me to be. I would like for everyone to think that I have known and have been walking in my God-given identity, but the truth is, somewhere along the years I lost sight of it. And even typing that leads to such vulnerability that is scares the hell out of me. Literally. Because letting it out, in my mind, means that there will now be expectations. I have no clue what this is going to look like. This is just the start.

Baby steps.

It's about obedience.

It's just one small way I'm choosing to step out of fear and into faith.

...even hitting this "publish" button in about 5 seconds is a step.