I woke up
one morning and felt like my “fire” was gone. It literally seemed as if it
happened overnight. Like a brick wall just dropped itself in front of me. Like
a switch was flipped and I didn’t know how or why. Where was my hunger and my
thirst and my passion? I couldn’t read, write, journal, or even fellowship the
way I used to just days before. It continued for weeks, this “funk” that I felt
like I was stuck in. Deep down I know I did, but there were so many times when
I didn’t want Him. But I wanted to want Him. I wasn’t desperate, but I wanted
to be desperate. To feel desperate.
I’m not good at faking it, nor do I want to
be, so when a friend of mine, seeing through my held together outward
appearance, genuinely asked, “Ash, how are you?”
I quickly changed the typical
“I’m good” answer to “actually, I don’t know why I said that….I’ve been feeling
pretty shitty lately.”
I needed that moment- to be open and honest and real and
vulnerable. This was more important than class. I admitted to feeling distant
from the Spirit, not because He left, but I did, in a way. I realized that
desires of my flesh and of my sinful nature started to bombard me, and when
they did, I panicked, therefore backing away from the Spirit because I felt
unworthy. The girl that had been on a “high” for so long (even in rough
circumstances) was now at a “low,” and it was scary. I felt like all eyes were
on me…almost like it wasn’t okay that I was weak- that I was struggling. My
fear of failure, which still likes to lurk around sometimes…okay, actually
often, put a barrier between me and my Father because, subconsciously, I didn’t
want to approach Him with the truth about what I was feeling and experiencing
(even thought He knew it anyway.) I dug a little in the caverns of my heart to
discover what I was mad about, sad about, afraid of. I knew that I knew that I
knew that Christ is true satisfaction and the answer to everything, but I was
tired and weary and quite frankly, I just didn’t’ want Him. My Spirit was
willing but my flesh and soul were weak. Because I’m human. There was a war
going on, pulling on me from opposite sides.
….and
then my brother's accident happened. Life was put on pause and I went into
survival mode. Nothing else in the world mattered for those two weeks. It’s as
if everything I was dealing with internally was put on hold, some of which
became kind of vague…or maybe things where just put into perspective. I think I
was finally starting to see with Kingdom eyes again.
….all of
this to bring me to a subject so near to my heart: Ireland.
Two weeks
after my brother’s accident, I boarded a plane with my best friend to embark on
a journey that, even now, two months later, still feels like a dream that
sparked in me more passion, love, and purpose like I never imagined it would.
...to be continued.
